January 9, 2009

because i knew you

how do you let someone know how much they mean to you? how do you tell them that they have changed and blessed your life forever? how do you let them know they've taught you more than words could ever tell? how do you express all the love in your heart you feel for them?

today was my last day as a seminary teacher. it has been breaking my heart for the last three and a half weeks. i didn't know a heart could love as much as mine does for them. i guess a heart's capacity is never too full. i didn't cry much in front of my students ... but i've done quite a bit by myself. as i took down all my decorations from the walls of my classroom, it finally felt real. i wanted to pause life and recapture all the learning experiences and spirit-filled moments that had happened inside those four walls. some of my students gave me cards and letters to say goodbye. i tried to open one, but felt an overwhelming pang in my heart. i don't know exactly what it is - is it hurt? is it love? is it happiness? is it sadness? is it loss? is it remembering all i have gained because of the influence of these souls i've come to know and love so much? or maybe it's a culmination of d) all the above.

the phrase "time heals all wounds" ... that may be true, but this may take quite a while. it's not just that i'm sad i won't be teaching. it's that i will not be able to have the experience of being surrounded by uplifting paintings and quotes, talking about the gospel, or feeling such a strong spirit with these amazing individuals. that's what hurts the most: not being with these fourteen and fifteen year olds that i've come to love so much. leaving them has made me feel as though something in me has died or that a light has gone out of me. i don't like change and i never have, especially when it's the change of goodbye... but i know i shouldn't dwell on that. the main point of this post is to express my sincere love and appreciation for the beautiful, wonderful people i taught for the last four months. i wish they knew how much i love them. it's really true that because i knew them, i've been changed for good.

For Good - (click for youtube video of song)
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be that we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine by being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?
And because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.