June 1, 2010

roar for orem high

if you have read some of my previous posts, you will know that i have been on a 'mission' to explore the world of emotions and feelings. you will also know here seem to be a lot of changes going on all around me.  one of these changes is the fact that my high school, from which i graduated five years ago{!}, is being torn down - this month!  yes it is old, but to those of us who walked its halls it is majestic and full of tradition.

while at the final walk-through for the public, i was overcome with emotion {both positive and negative}.  memories flooded my mind and it was difficult to keep the tears from spilling onto my cheeks.

honestly, high school had its ups and downs but i don't remember much. my junior year was the highlight of my entire high school experience, probably even my entire school experience. my sophomore and senior years were mostly awful - enough so that my brain has blocked a lot of it out of my memory.

if i am even more honest with myself, the awful times were brought on by my own actions. the most prominent memory is being in the bathrooms. from the beginning to the very end {senior all-nighter}, i was actively participating in eating disorder behaviors. more often than not i could be found purging in a bathroom at any given time of day.

i know, it's weird that i took a picture of the bathroom. having been such a big part of my high school years, i couldn't resist.

here is the reason for this post:
for years i have been stuck looking backward, wishing so badly that i could redo everything. though i know cognitively that it's not possible to do this, my heart has not been able to accept it. i have even had a recurring dream that i went back to high school as a student - even though i had graduated - in order to 'make things right' {get better grades, create healthier and more mature relationships with others, and all that jazz}. those dreams felt so real.

well, now that the building is being demolished, blown apart, crumbled to the ground...

... there is no possible way to go back.

all those horrible times, the awful feelings, the fears and inadequacies...

... they are all being put to rest in a pile of rubble.

i can move on.
yes, partly by force, but move on nonetheless.

maybe now i can be free from some chains of the past.

goodbye orem high.
thank you for all of the lessons you taught me.
as the traditional choir song states, "go ye now in peace" -- so that i may have some, too.